Many of us forget that even though we’ve been wounded emotionally, we are still whole.
Saying these words is not convincing when we’ve just lost a job, have fallen ill, had a fight with a loved one, and don’t feel safe expressing our feelings. I know. It hurts. But there is the possibility of finding a person or a group as a container for safety, to listen to you, witness you, and mirror your wholeness. This happens readily through the aliveness, beauty, color, and light amidst nature. Even when darkness sets in a firefly appears and mirrors our radiance to us. Especially after a storm, our senses awaken to the fresh fragrance of jasmine or gardenias to settle us. We are like nature, able to feel renewed after a storm.
When we let ourselves seep into the sensations in nature, it is as if she is mending, softening, and polishing our wounds. Nature reflects the emotional feelings that all humans go through, sometimes gently but also painfully, all are part of the life, death, and birth cycle of change to a new way of being, seeing, and sensing.
The more we allow ourselves to feel and go through inevitable cycles of change, the more we touch our unique, individual, and irreplaceable life—including the hard feelings that come with change, conflict, and loss like sadness, anger, and sometimes nothing. We have times of feeling numb, shut down, and unable to access our emotions. It might feel like too much to digest or process. Depending on the wound, we may feel unsafe, and afraid, like we want to get away from it all—run.
I’ve had many occasions like this, for example, when I made plans to do something important for my work and a caregiver called in sick. Recently, my daughter's case manager lost her benefits file and asked me to gather all her past reports to replace what was lost or she would not receive services. I blew a fuse. Once I opened my mouth, it did not close for twenty minutes. It was as if all of the years of being nice, filling in the gaps, and cleaning up after other people's messes exploded out of me like a tsunami. I broke into a sweat, cried profusely, swore like a bitch, pounded my hands on the table, and said “No. I’m not doing this anymore. It’s not my mistake!”
It was epic. One of our in-home nurses was eavesdropping from the other end of the house. After the case manager left, she walked toward me with a vigorous clap and said, “Well done. That was sad but good for you. You set a boundary.” I’m not always good about setting boundaries, especially around my children’s well-being. I can be fierce and overprotective. But that burned me and after that release, I felt as fresh as a daisy. It was remarkable how relaxed and centered I felt by letting myself be fully human and feel all kinds of emotions. Later in the week, I had a long conversation with the case manager. She was new to the case, our third in a year since the pandemic. She was learning her job and cleaning up after the case manager before her. I let her know, it wasn’t personal toward her. It was an internal pain that I had been holding on to for too long.
The wonderful thing is that I felt safe enough to express these difficult feelings with her. She was kind. She didn’t shame or push me to correct something I was not responsible for.
Earlier that week I had a dream of a powerful she-wolf. She was proudly walking out of a gated area without a care. The morning before the caseworker came to our house, I saw what appeared like the same she-wolf in the yard across from our house looking directly into my eyes. Is that a coincidence or nature’s way of mirroring me back to myself, my center, my innate freedom?
Nature saw me, inspired me, and I saw her. I integrated her as a part of me. Nature, dreams, metaphors, poetry, spirits of the plants, and the safety of good company are mirrors — a way to center, to feel what we need to feel, to be as we are.
Alchemists describe transformations as something that happens after being seen by an “eye” that observes us from the depths of soul—like the wolf, an eye that shines through difficult hard dark feelings that cage us in — to wholeness.
You don’t need to master new techniques, obtain additional certifications, or sit in meditation for endless hours to enjoy your wholeness — you only need to let yourself be human and feel all of your feelings.
It is wonderful to be witnessed — to have another hold up a mirror and see you as you are in the moment without projection, shaming, judging, pushing, or adding anything on top of your exquisite beautiful humanness — your wholeness even when it’s messy.
I made a 4.5-minute video after a recent healing retreat where the aim is to create a constant container for safety and primary activities are feeling, witnessing, and mirroring each other whole.
Thank you so much, Ila!
This was one of the first essays that I posted on Substack
This song feels like it came out, kind of easy and freely. I hope I’m not getting to a space of overthinking or expecting that as we write more we should get better somehow.
I think the most important thing is to just be real
I’m following you and look forward to your first post !
I’m so glad you are here .
💕🤪💙
This is an incredible share, Prajna. Thank you so much. 💝