Becoming REAL

Because Once You Are Real You Can't Become Unreal—Pride Recognition

In 2010, my daughter asked me this question...

“Mom, no matter what I tell you, will you still love me?”

She was speaking about her identity as queer and afraid that being real to who she is would somehow weaken my love for her.

The idea for this essay came as an impulse to acknowledge diverse identities, celebrate PRIDE MONTH, and explore the question my daughter asked me when she was sixteen. I became a mother late in life not because I don’t enjoy mothering, I do, commitment spooked me. Today, I can’t imagine a harder or more rewarding role.

Maybe I feared the unexpected, would I be open to all questions, or would I behave like my mother and sweep them under the rug? The question she asked me, anyone could ask or be too afraid to ask—to a friend, parent, sibling, or partner—about anything and hang in suspense, waiting for a response.

I often reflect on the events around my daughter’s ‘coming out.’ I came across an old copy of the original 1922 edition of The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. I never read this or had it read to me as a child, recently I’ve read it many times, with and without my children.

The Velveteen Rabbit is a beautiful story about a stuffed bunny who becomes a Real rabbit through the love of a little boy and shows us five lessons:

1. You Can Be Who You Are — Your Identity Is Your Own

2.  Hardships Are Part of Life — They Grow Us

3. Telling the Truth Makes Us More Real

4. Love Hurts — But It’s Worth It

5. Never Forget Where You Came From

Image credit: John Tesh

The story of The Velveteen Rabbit unfolds like this: the Rabbit meets the Skin Horse who had lived longer in the nursery than any of the toys. He was wise, for he had seen a succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger. He knew they were only toys, and would not Become anything else.

The Rabbit asked Skin Horse, “What is REAL?”

“Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse.

“You become. It takes a long time…”

The Velveteen Rabbit is full of valuable lessons for all of us to accept diversity and celebrate Pride Month.

1. You Can Be Who You Are — Your Identity Is Your Own

Today we see more acceptance of diverse identities in society. The Velveteen Rabbit teaches us that it's okay to be different and do none of those mainstream things. What matters is what you have in your heart and you feel loved.

The cultural climate around being queer in 2010 was a mix of progress and ongoing challenges. Here are some highlights of that time when my daughter feared I would not love her as she claimed her identity:

1.    Visibility and Representation:

o   LGBTQ+ representation in media was increasing. Shows like "Glee," "Modern Family," and "RuPaul's Drag Race" featured queer characters and brought LGBTQ+ issues into the mainstream.

o   Public figures and celebrities were increasingly coming out, contributing to greater visibility and acceptance.

2.    Activism and Advocacy:

o   Numerous LGBTQ+ organizations and activists were working tirelessly to advance rights. Pride parades and other LGBTQ+ events continued to grow in size and visibility.

o   In 2010, the U.S. military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, which barred openly gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals from military service, was repealed, marking a significant step forward for LGBTQ+ rights.

3.    Legal and Social Discrimination:

o   Several states like Iowa, Massachusetts, and Connecticut legalized same-sex marriage while many states and countries still do not recognize same-sex marriage or civil unions.

o   Employment and housing discrimination against LGBTQ+ individuals remained legal in many places.

o   LGBTQ+ people, particularly transgender individuals, faced significant barriers to accessing healthcare and other services.

4.    Public Attitudes:

o   While acceptance was growing, many LGBTQ+ individuals still faced prejudice, discrimination, and violence.

o   Bullying and harassment of LGBTQ+ youth in schools were significant issues, leading to higher rates of mental health challenges and suicidality in this population.

5.    Intersectionality:

o   LGBTQ+ individuals who were also part of other marginalized groups (e.g., people of color, and immigrants) often faced compounded discrimination and unique challenges.

 2. Hardships Are Part of Life — They Grow Us

The Rabbit survived many trials and tribulations during his transformation from a stuffed rabbit to a real bunny. He faced ridicule from fancy mechanical toys for being a simple stuffed animal. He saw his body wear away, and eventually, he was discarded in a rubbish heap with other old toys.

The Velveteen Rabbit shows us that hardships are a normal part of life, and require love, support, and acceptance. Exclusion, prejudice, discrimination, bullying, and violence are NOT NORMAL and real challenges for LGBTQ+ individuals. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be at times to maintain sound mental health when claiming your identity.

Pride Month fosters a sense of community and belonging, it helps LGBTQ+ individuals to process feelings of alienation. Spaces are created for individuals to connect with others who share similar experiences, struggles, and intense hardship, often dark emotions. Acknowledging Pride Month helps LGBTQ+ individuals to be REAL and stay REAL.

Nicole Alder, SCDD advocates All Love at the intersection of disability and LGBTQ+

At age sixteen my daughter was an astute student of life but her identity and space in our family troubled her. Her concern didn’t arise because she was isolated or bullied at school although I imagine knowing people like herself were historically treated unjustly confused her.

Was she worried about adding a burden to our family, to me as her mother because her identity like her twins’ sisters was not part of the mainstream narrative?

As a single mom with typical household responsibilities and private practice as a spiritual mentor and trauma therapist, challenge was/is familiar. Any mother will tell you her job is full-time around the clock and not highly valued. We lack resources, don’t clock in or out, do not see a paycheck at the end of the week, YET the rewards are priceless. (I’ve written about this essential role in other places and don’t want to distract from Pride month—two different arenas both need support).

My twins are two years younger than their sister and have extensive disabilities. I’m sure my oldest daughter did not get the attention she deserved; her sisters held the spotlight.

I imagine that some of you reading this understand having a placement in a challenging family dynamic where you feel like a ghost, or your needs and wants don’t seem to matter, as there is already too much going on. My oldest daughter was protecting me and did not want to give me one more thing to attend to.

When she asked, “Mom, no matter what I tell you, will you still love me?” She stuttered, her chest was concave, her big blue eyes teary.

She was afraid this news would break me as if her queer identity was disabling and would require additional care like her sisters.

What would happen if everyone owned who they are and Became Real?

I told her, “Honey, come here, I want to hold you.

Of course, you are more comfortable with females. I already knew that. What could be more natural—more real—for you?”

3. Telling The Truth Makes Us More Real

Our conversation continued, as she has always been curious and needed to know how I knew.

I told her, “I’m your mother. I see these things.”

I gave examples of her close friendships, and her disappointment at her 12th birthday party when the girls wanted to dress up like sexy models with makeup and high heels to practice winning the male gaze. She couldn’t wait for it to end. Later she held her gut, had a fierce headache, and sobbed into the night.

At the end of her process, she said,

“Mom, can we have a real celebration for my birthday?

I smiled, “Yes!”

She said, “I only want you, me, the twins, and Gretchen.”

We live in a world where everyone and anyone at any age (now very early) strives, often dangerously, to curate an appearance of perfection—specifically online. On that birthday my daughter realized a timeless lesson that The Velveteen Rabbit shows us. You don't need other people's approval or validation to feel secure in who you are.

My daughter’s process of feeling secure in her identity did not happen all at once. I’m sure she still meets obstacles. She went to two very progressive colleges for undergraduate and graduate studies that wholeheartedly support diversity. Pride Month encourages individuals to live authentically and express their true selves without fear of persecution or judgment. It celebrates the freedom to be REAL.

In The Velveteen Rabbit, the Rabbit doesn't need the boy, other toys, or even real rabbits to tell him he's real. Even before he becomes a live bunny, the Rabbit believes in himself and his realness. As the Rabbit’s transformation continues—so does his self-confidence. I am proud to witness the confidence and self-love that continues to grow in my daughter.

4. Love Hurts — But It’s Worth It

Fairytales and romantic comedies want us to believe that all you need to do is find that special somebody or place and then you'll live happily ever after. The Velveteen Rabbit takes a more realistic approach. A big lesson in this book is that love can sometimes be painful, and it's not always easy.

Love can be hard work, whether you're working at loving a parent, sibling, partner, or child, it is not a bed of roses. The Rabbit watched the little boy become ill with scarlet fever like my daughter watched me tend to her sisters. He wasn’t able to play with him. He missed him terribly. She wasn’t able to play with her sisters or me, and we missed each other terribly.

But in the exchange of all that hard—soft love and acceptance, the stuffed rabbit became a REAL rabbit.

The work of loving and accepting is always worth it. It takes a long time.

Another Lesson is:

5. Never Forget Where You Came From

Once the Rabbit becomes Real he seems to have everything he could want: real live bunny friends and a happy bunny life. But even then, the Rabbit returns to visit the Boy in the garden. The boy says,

The Velveteen Rabbit shows us how important it is to remember our past and where we came from—the people who helped us get to where we are. “Why, he looks just like my old bunny that was lost when I had scarlet fever!” But he never knew that it was his bunny, who came back to look at the child who helped him to be real.”

Without wise elders, good friends, recovery programs, trained counselors, support groups, Substack writers, and movements like Pride month many of us would not be who we are today.

This is part of a series of essays on Becoming Real where I write about who I have been, the support I have received to become who I am, and the possibilities we have for being REAL.

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, your eyes drop out, and you get loose in your joints and very shabby.

“Once You Are Real You Can’t Become Unreal Again. It Lasts for Always.”

— The Skin Horse

If you are new to my Substack, sometimes I offer you a longer reflection like this one.

Is there a mentor, friend, or family member that has helped you along the way?

Please share a comment or story from your journey of Becoming REAL.

Your comments are always welcome!

Stay tuned for the next essay.

with love and appreciation,

Your Salty Crone—Prajna O’Hara

P.S. If you are new to my work and events. They are housed at prajnaohara.com. I have two upcoming retreats in Vermont, USA; Devon UK; and a waiting list for California here.